Uncertainty

Being human is amazing as well as challenging. Blessed (and cursed) with minds that can reminisce about the past and anticipate the future, we are a different kind of animal. We have amazing mental capacities and imagination. In fact the faculties or our minds are so amazing and open us up to so many different possibilities that it can be confusing and scary to be so open and flexible, which is why we crave certainty and stability so much. We want to make up our minds about things. We don’t want to keep wondering all the time. We want to know. Is it this or is it that? Is it black or white, good or bad?

As a result, we become rigid in our thinking, rigid in our views and are constantly looking for validation of our opinions. It’s like we put on these filtering lenses that scan the world for evidence that backs up our theories rather than allowing ourselves to objectively experience the world as it is, as it unfolds each moment.

What we believe really does become our reality and we stop using the very imagination we have been endowed with because our limited and certain vision of the world leaves no room for it. When it comes to the image we have of ourselves, our identity, this need for certainty is even stronger. We need to know who we are, what we stand for, what we believe in. We feel vulnerable when we start to become unsure about that.

Earlier this year I was backpacking in Central America and after a few months on the road, I suddenly realised that my old identity had somewhat started to dissolve and that I was actually not so sure anymore of who I was or even what I liked and didn’t like. My identity as well as my preferences suddenly started to become a much more fluid experience that was changing all the time rather than something I could define in a neat little list. The truth I found was that there wasn’t a truth or one set answer but that the truth was in fact the very uncertainty and flexibility I tried to get away from.

I’ve tried to remain with that thought and hold on to it ever since. I’ve been trying to accept uncertainty as a natural state of being and appreciate the flexibility and possibilities it offers. After all, being in a constant state of wonder doesn’t sound like that bad a place to be in, does it?

However, it’s a vulnerable place to be in and sometimes a scary place and other people will still want to put you in a box. They want to have that marketing style strap line about who you are. They want to be sure about who you are even if you are comfortable with not being sure about it.

It used to bother me in the beginning, especially because people tried to project their discomfort with uncertainty on to me, they told me that I needed to know and be sure, that there was something wrong with me for not being sure and for not wanting to be sure anymore.

What I realised then however, was that people make up their minds about who you are anyway, regardless of what you think or how much you try to convince them of your truth.  

And then I realised something else: whatever they say or think about me is actually true. It’s true because it exists as a possibility. In uncertainty there is room for possibility. It is only when we make up our minds that possibilities narrow down to one chosen reality.

So I am indeed all of what they think and say I am and I am also, all of what I see in them. I am starting to see myself in all people and all people in me. In the realms of possibility we are not different at all. In the end, we are, in each moment, whatever we choose to be. We are neither good nor bad people, we are just people making choices each moment in time. 

I guess the only thing that differentiates us, is how aware we are of that fact and whether the choices we make are conditioned by our narrow views or whether they are conscious decisions made within a field of infinite possibilities.

  

Stop being bitches!

Last night I was watching my favourite guilty pleasure programme “I’m a Celebrity – get me out of here!” in the expectation of some nice, mind-numbing, light entertainment and was shocked to instead witness two grown women blaming their own body insecurities on the natural beauty of another woman and her participation (and success) in a Beauty Pageant.

If that wasn’t shocking enough, when I looked on the programme’s Facebook and Twitter page I read post after post from other women who clearly suffered from the same kind of delusion and were not ashamed to join in and make the Beauty Pageant the scapegoat for them feeling shit about themselves.

Am I the only one seeing what’s going on here?

Women and girls of the world! Get a fucking grip and stop turning on each other!

It’s not Amy Willerton’s fault that she was born beautiful and she shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that. At the same time it’s not Rebecca Adlington’s fault that there are idiots out there who taunted and bullied her in the past. I really respect Rebecca for showing her vulnerability on public television and I feel for her but I just cannot agree with such blatant projection of her own inability to love and accept herself the way she is.

In fact, I’m sick and tired of the whole blame game. Yes, media and society try really hard at giving women really shitty messages about themselves and their bodies. Granted, but I don’t really think that blaming or even banning this will help because the main reason why so many women aren’t happy with themselves isn’t found outside of themselves but within.

The society we live in is a mere reflection and manifestation of what women think and feel about themselves.

I say let’s try and change it by starting within.

Stop blaming other women, the media, society or some idiot kid who bullied you at school for feeling shit about yourself. Take responsibility. Own your feelings of worthlessness, ugliness or whatever else it is. Work through your pain. Only you can change the way you feel! Even if you were only surrounded by ‘ugly’ women (whatever you consider that to be) and society and the media would tell you that you’re okay the way you are: it wouldn’t change anything as long as you still hold onto these beliefs of not being enough.

Women and girls of the world, I beg you, do us all a favour: stop being bitches! Let’s instead support each other in truly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. That’s the only way to change how we feel. Society and the media can’t make us feel anything unless we allow it and they’ll soon enough stop when we stop buying into it.

The image in my head

I can’t draw or paint. My hands never learned how to translate the elaborate images in my mind into 2-D representations. Yet I have been haunted by an image in my head for months now and I’m suffering from having it in there but not being able to give birth to it.

Tonight I decided to give birth to it with the tools I have learned to use: words.

So let me draw you this picture…

A woman with long black hair that falls in big, soft curls over a pleasantly formed body is kneeling on the ground. She’s naked with her arms outstretched, holding on to trees either side of her. A thick green jungle full of colour and light surrounds her. She kneels on a spot of soft, dark-green moss, her head bent back gracefully and her neck thoroughly exposed and surrendered to the heavens. Her eyes are closed. From the centre of her chest springs a fountain. The waters pour strong and forcefully from her heart and in the waves I can see the full complexity of life: birth, death, happiness, pain, all of it, flooding through her with its paradoxical intensity. Her mouth is open and from it fly messengers of love - despite or because of it all - in the form of beautiful birds, all of which have a red heart-shape on their chest.

Since I embraced the cycle of life, Pachamama, in the Amazon, I feel very much grounded and supported by nature, like the woman in that image. And since I have worked so much on acceptance and letting go of resistance, I sometimes feel as if life's just flooding through me and suddenly, the lines between good and bad, me and other, begin to blur, and each experience becomes a curiosity, a new flavour of life, simply to be tasted and the beauty of that makes me want to sing praises of love.

Floating

After almost five months on the road we have now returned from our Latin American adventure.

Still homeless, jobless and getting ever closer to penniless, we’re currently floating between England and Germany, gratefully receiving the kindness of our family and friends who provide us with temporary homes.

Understandably, people ask what I have learned or what I have discovered on our travels and while there are indeed moments I recall, when certain insights or truths have dawned on me, I don’t necessarily feel like I’m suddenly full of answers or any kind of certainty.

Quite the opposite: if anything, I now have more questions than answers and less certainty than I ever had. Everything somehow seems less solid and more fluid.

For example, rather than having found myself, I think I have managed to truly lose my ‘Self’ in terms of this rigid idea of who it is that I thought I was. I’m not so sure anymore that I am this or that or this but not that and much more aware that it all depends on circumstances and is constantly changing.

In fact, I am reluctant to make up my mind about most things and refuse to say things are black or white, this or that. Instead I have found this wide-open space and a renewed sense of curiosity where I am willing to be surprised.

More than anything I am willing to not know, to not have an answer and to be okay with that.

That’s because the only certainty I have found is that I don’t know more than I do know and that I have been clinging to all sorts of illusory images and concepts of myself and the world in order to lull myself into some kind of security. The control freak side of me particularly liked to divide life into nice little boxes but life doesn’t work like that. Life is like a river. It’s constantly moving and changing and it provides no solid ground to stand on.

That’s the only truth I have found and I have decided to stick to this truth rather than a false sense of security based on an illusion. And the more I remind myself of this and train myself to bear the vulnerability of it, the more I feel comfortable with it.

I believe that once I am able to fully surrender to this natural, transitory flow of life, I won’t even have to try and swim or work hard at ‘keeping my head above water’ but will be able to just relax, lie back and float, knowing that I am supported as well as swept along.

Pachamama

I came to the Amazon to reconnect with nature or to get at least a tiny taste of that sense of oneness with ‘Mother Nature’ (or ‘Pachamama’ as they call her here) that I sense our guide and the people who live in the local villages have. Initially however, I experienced the opposite of what I was craving: a strong awareness of my own vulnerability in this strange and seemingly hostile environment and lots of fear.

Slowly however, I started to get used to my new environment, to being out in a little wooden canoe just above the water’s surface with our guide and to the murky water surrounding me everywhere.

The big shift happened the day I decided to overcome my fear of the dark water in order to make my dream of swimming with wild dolphins come true. After preparing myself mentally for days, I was ready when the time came. I took the leap of faith and jumped in. The water was lovely and warm. Nothing brushed my legs. Floating along comfortably on a small floatation cushion, I relaxed. The rain that has drenched us on the way there stopped, the sun came out and after a first rainbow that appeared right on the water’s surface, a second one appeared in the sky above me. When the dolphins started breaching only metres away from me, I looked up at the sky and all around me in awe and gratitude. I will never forget this moment.

When I went to bed that night, I cried tears of joy and I feel different ever since. It’s like I uncovered some hidden strength, as if my heart opened that bit wider to let the world around me in. It feels like I have finally really arrived here and am more able to enjoy the experience. I’m not saying that I am totally free from fear or apprehension because that’s not the case but I think I’m opening up and trusting more every day and I have more and more of these tiny glimpses I wished for, these moments when I am fully present without fear and breathing in tune with the vibrant, green energy of life that surrounds me.

Pachamama is out there waiting for me with open arms and I’m slowly edging my way towards her for the great big bear hug I have been hoping for.

Swimming vs. sinking in fear

Ever since I was a child I was fascinated by the jungle and in particularly the Amazon. I have devoured every film, documentary and book about it and visiting it one day has been on the top of my bucket list for many years. A few years ago I dreamed that I was finally in the Amazon but that the place we stayed at was surrounded by water rather than forest and that I was petrified. When we arrived at Tahuayo Lodge a few days ago, I recognised it as the place from that dream.

Tahuayo Lodge is located on one of the tributaries of the Amazon, the Tahuayo River, about a 4 hour boat ride away from Iquitos. Built on 12m high stilts it is currently surrounded by water due to it being flood season and the water reaches deep into what is normally jungle, creating an expansive water world.

The good news is that I’m not feeling AS petrified as I was in my dream but nevertheless, since arriving here I had to face and overcome many fears and I continue to do so every day.

My main issue is that I really don’t like murky waters at the best of time. I prefer to see what’s in the water and having something brush my legs while swimming in dark water is my kind of horror scenario. Add to that the fact that we’re talking about the Amazon and all the scary bits of (mis-)information I have been fed about the animals living in these waters and you get the picture.

Luckily we have an amazing guide who grew up in the local village and he just laughs his head off every time I’m asking questions about the ‘dangerous’ animals here. Piranhas, for example, have NEVER attacked or eaten anyone here. Quite the opposite, people tend to eat them and only when trying to get them off the hook there’s a chance that someone may get bitten. There have also NEVER been any accidents or attacks involving caimans or anacondas. And remember that fish that supposedly swims up your whatsit if you pee in the water? Our guide referred to it as a tourist legend and says that at least in these parts of the Amazon, children play and pee in the water all the time and NEVER has anyone had a fish swim up their urethra.

Tony accepted these new pieces of information quickly and took the plunge straight away when he had a little swim just off our lodge yesterday. I am still working on digesting, integrating and trusting all of this new information.

But I will do it. I will swim in the murky waters of the Amazon!

The main reason why I am determined to overcome this fear is that another item on my bucket list is swimming with dolphins and I always said that I want it to be with wild dolphins rather than dolphins living in captivity.

I didn’t think it would happen in the Amazon but apparently we will take a boat trip to Blackwater Lake (encouraging name!) where we will have the opportunity to swim with pink dolphins.

I cannot and I will not miss out on that experience! 

For how long I will actually stay in the water is a different story of course… ;-)

I shall keep you posted. 

Courageous love is sharp around the edges

My husband paid me a strange compliment yesterday. He said: “I really enjoy your company – when you’re not being an asshole.”

I was perplexed, asking what kind of compliment that was meant to be and he reassured me that this was his way of expressing how much he loves me. I wondered what on earth I wasn’t getting but it has somehow started to grow on me since.

Firstly, I like the honesty of the statement and I could actually say the same to him. I really enjoy his company – when he is not being an asshole.

Aren’t we all acting like assholes every now and then? No one is perfect!

Secondly, he didn’t say “I love you - when you’re not being an asshole”, which to me is a crucial point because if he had said that, it would mean that he only loves me when I’m ‘a good girl’, and only really embraces one side of me without all my shadow bits. But he didn’t say that, he said that he doesn’t enjoy my company when I’m being an asshole and that’s fair enough as I feel the same in return.

In our close relationships (and that includes our friendships), I think it’s important to have the courage to be honest even when we fear that the other person may not like what we’re about to tell them. It’s not always fun and sometimes you find out things you’d rather not know but it creates a connectedness and intimacy that is hard to experience if we only relate to each other from our sunny side, the ‘good girl/good boy’ side. It’s also exhausting to try and keep that up for any length of time.

I enjoy having relationships where I am told when I am acting like an asshole and where I am free to do the same. I also enjoy having relationships where I still feel loved, even when I am acting like an asshole and I try to love in the same way.

Nothing is more loving than giving each other a reality check when it’s needed.

So in the spirit of this, my friends, let me tell you: I love you loads even when you are acting like assholes, so don’t get offended next time I tell you you’re being one ;-)

Fundamental fears

In a previous post I have already shared with you that I am a control freak and as such have a fundamental fear of losing control or of not being in control. This fear has recently become a bit of a pain in the arse! Since travelling, it's been growing and growing and spoiling my experiences in situations that are out of my control (of which obviously, there are many).

For example, when we were travelling on a dodgy little ferry across Lake Nicaragua (which is huge and inhabited by bull sharks), I couldn’t stop thinking about the ferry sinking. While it isn’t impossible for this to happen, it is nevertheless a worst-case-scenario and furthermore a situation that I cannot control. If I am already on the ferry and half-way between the island and the shore, what’s the point of worrying? The situation is already out of my control!

Beyond this inability to accept that most external circumstances are out of my control lies also the unwillingness to accept that the time and circumstances of my own death are out of my control. Dying on holiday and being eaten by a shark are not how I wish to end my life, but then who does?

Triggered by this and lots of other similar events, I have spent quite some time recently thinking about the fear of death and the fear of losing control and I have come to the following conclusions:

1)    It’s time for me to really accept that most circumstances including my own death are out of my control.

2)    I need to channel my need for control more constructively, namely towards the things that are within my control. These are: my choices, my thoughts and emotions, the way I lead my life.

3)    Fear of death or dying is ultimately nothing else but a reminder about life and living. Thinking about the fragile, transient nature of our lives can be a great aid in focusing on what’s important, deciding how we want to spend the little time we have here and to make every minute count.

Point 3 has hit home (I think) while points 2 and 3 are probably going to be work in progress…

Heart-opening

The other night we sat in a plush bar by the beach having dinner when suddenly an image flashed into my mind and my eyes filled with tears. The image was a scene we had seen a couple of days earlier when getting here by taxi: a big dump with smoke rising in places, vultures sitting in the trees and a group of people who were going through the garbage. While I didn’t feel guilty for being better off (as their suffering isn’t my fault and the guilt doesn’t help anyone), I just felt this great surge of sadness come over me and ever since I have been reflecting on the challenge of embracing it all, of being able to hold this complex and paradoxical life in all its extremes at the same time, in the same moment without being pulled to one side.

Our normal reaction is to turn away from suffering. Being a bit sensible and fragile anyway, I often fear that it might break my heart if I allow myself to fully connect with the suffering in this world but today I decided to do just that. Just before starting my meditation practice I let all the images and the connected sadness flood in and yes, it did break my heart and I cried for quite some time but at that moment I understood that this is exactly what needs to happen if I want to open my heart and embrace everything. A heart that can be broken is by definition limited. Once it breaks and opens up it is finally able to include everything.

Now I understand that I am the suffering horse, only skin and bones, pulling that heavy cart while being whipped by the driver and that at the same time I am also the driver doing the whipping. They are both not separate from me. I am the good as well as the bad, the beautiful as well as the ugly, the happiness as well as the suffering. 

Saboteurs

Here I am again: sitting in front of my laptop with the intention to do some writing but coming up with all sorts of excuses and distractions that prevent me from writing. It’s always the same. When it gets 'serious', when I’m thinking of writing something that I will show to ‘important’ people, like for example an article that I need to pitch to an editor, I freeze. Nothing comes. It’s as if I'd never written anything and totally forgotten how to write.

Fear of criticism, rejection and failure are life’s great saboteurs. They sneak up on you from behind and make you feel scared of your own shadow. They cling on to your legs whenever you’re trying to take a step in a new direction. They whisper lies in your ears and make them sound like the truth. They camouflage themselves perfectly in seemingly rational considerations and it can be hard to dismantle them and see them for what they are: Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real. If only I'd use my imagination to fantasize experiences of success and happiness instead of worst-case-scenarios!

The reason why fear of criticism, rejection and failure are so difficult to deal with is that they are built on self-doubt. They can only get to me, if underneath I really believe that I am not good enough, not talented enough, not loveable enough etc.

The other problem is that my judgment about whether or not I am good enough, talented enough, loveable enough etc. rests mainly on other people. Like a flag in the wind, I tend to be blown all over the place by people’s approval or rejection. 

However, if I take a song I really like as an example, it's easy to see that although I may think it's a great song, there will definitely be people out there who don’t like it or even hate it. What does that say about the song? Not much, really, but I guess it implies that people as a whole as well as individually are not really able to make an objective judgment about anything. It will always be biased and it will differ from person to person.

So to rest my self-esteem on something as fickle as people’s diverse and ever-changing opinions and judgments seems crazy. At the end of the day, there’s only one opinion I should really be worried about and that's my own. If I don’t think I'm good enough, talented enough, loveable enough etc. it’s unlikely that I’ll convince someone else that I am. If I do, on the other hand, it doesn’t really matter what other people think anyway.

Aristotles says: “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”

Not really an option, is it?

Fears of a control freak

I’m 5 years old and I’m sitting in a little car on a ride at our town’s annual fair. I’m in the car on my own while my parents stand and wait somewhere at the side. The track leads in bends through a garden type set-up. Tense, I have my hands gripped around the little metal steering wheel while I anxiously anticipate the next bend. I’m terrified that I might lose control of the car and fall off the little platform on which the car is driving. On one of the straight bits, I steal a moment to look at the other children driving ahead or behind me. They seem careless, laugh and don’t pay any attention at all. Some don’t even hold onto the steering wheel! The possibility dawns on me that the car might not drive off the platform if I let go but is instead controlled by some machine. So just before coming to the end of the track, I take the leap of faith, let go and experience that the car drives around the last bend all by itself. I feel silly and wish I had enjoyed the ride more.

A different child might have learned from this experience that her anxiety was unfounded and that the world is a place in which she is safe and protected. Unfortunately I didn’t come to that conclusion and my close associate, the control freak, was born.

Today, I read this quote by Jeff Foster: “The most unexpectedly beautiful gifts can come from a deep and total embrace of helplessness.”

“Deep and total embrace of helplessness?” No thanks! I feel an almost physical response. The mere word ‘helplessness’ sounds like an insult to my ears who perceive this as a personal weakness and the suggestion to embrace this feeling instead of going into a panicked attempt to fix things and to gain control, makes me shiver.

I know rationally that there are things which are out of my control and situations in which I am helpless, but thinking about this and really trying to accept it scares me. At the same time it feels silly to be scared of a truth that simply is whether I’m scared of it or not. It’s like playing Hide and Seek as a child and thinking that by closing your eyes, other people won’t be able to see you anymore either.

So despite not liking the sound of this, I cannot help but think that there’s some truth to what Jeff Foster says. Maybe this is the alchemical formula which is able to transform the fears of a control freak into something precious?

I’m going to leave you with this photo I found on Facebook today and deemed appropriate for the subject. Keep smiling J