Fears of a control freak

I’m 5 years old and I’m sitting in a little car on a ride at our town’s annual fair. I’m in the car on my own while my parents stand and wait somewhere at the side. The track leads in bends through a garden type set-up. Tense, I have my hands gripped around the little metal steering wheel while I anxiously anticipate the next bend. I’m terrified that I might lose control of the car and fall off the little platform on which the car is driving. On one of the straight bits, I steal a moment to look at the other children driving ahead or behind me. They seem careless, laugh and don’t pay any attention at all. Some don’t even hold onto the steering wheel! The possibility dawns on me that the car might not drive off the platform if I let go but is instead controlled by some machine. So just before coming to the end of the track, I take the leap of faith, let go and experience that the car drives around the last bend all by itself. I feel silly and wish I had enjoyed the ride more.

A different child might have learned from this experience that her anxiety was unfounded and that the world is a place in which she is safe and protected. Unfortunately I didn’t come to that conclusion and my close associate, the control freak, was born.

Today, I read this quote by Jeff Foster: “The most unexpectedly beautiful gifts can come from a deep and total embrace of helplessness.”

“Deep and total embrace of helplessness?” No thanks! I feel an almost physical response. The mere word ‘helplessness’ sounds like an insult to my ears who perceive this as a personal weakness and the suggestion to embrace this feeling instead of going into a panicked attempt to fix things and to gain control, makes me shiver.

I know rationally that there are things which are out of my control and situations in which I am helpless, but thinking about this and really trying to accept it scares me. At the same time it feels silly to be scared of a truth that simply is whether I’m scared of it or not. It’s like playing Hide and Seek as a child and thinking that by closing your eyes, other people won’t be able to see you anymore either.

So despite not liking the sound of this, I cannot help but think that there’s some truth to what Jeff Foster says. Maybe this is the alchemical formula which is able to transform the fears of a control freak into something precious?

I’m going to leave you with this photo I found on Facebook today and deemed appropriate for the subject. Keep smiling J