In a previous post I have already shared with you that I
am a control freak and as such have a fundamental fear of losing control or of
not being in control. This fear has recently become a bit of a pain in the
arse! Since travelling, it's been growing and growing and spoiling my experiences in
situations that are out of my control (of which obviously, there are many).
For example, when we were travelling on a dodgy little
ferry across Lake Nicaragua (which is huge and inhabited by bull sharks), I
couldn’t stop thinking about the ferry sinking. While it isn’t impossible for
this to happen, it is nevertheless a worst-case-scenario and furthermore a
situation that I cannot control. If I am already on the ferry and half-way
between the island and the shore, what’s the point of worrying? The situation
is already out of my control!
Beyond this inability to accept that most external
circumstances are out of my control lies also the unwillingness to accept that
the time and circumstances of my own death are out of my control. Dying on
holiday and being eaten by a shark are not how I wish to end my life, but then
who does?
Triggered by this and lots of other similar
events, I have spent quite some time recently thinking about the fear of death
and the fear of losing control and I have come to the following conclusions:
1) It’s
time for me to really accept that most circumstances including my own death are
out of my control.
2) I
need to channel my need for control more constructively, namely towards the
things that are within my control. These are: my choices, my thoughts and
emotions, the way I lead my life.
3) Fear
of death or dying is ultimately nothing else but a reminder about life and
living. Thinking about the fragile, transient nature of our lives can be a
great aid in focusing on what’s important, deciding how we want to spend the
little time we have here and to make every minute count.
Point 3 has hit home (I think) while points 2 and 3 are probably going to be
work in progress…
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