Lesson 1

Fear comes in many different forms and sizes. There are the big, obvious ones that make your heart race and your body shake and there are the more hidden, sneaky ones that linger in your very bones and trip you up without you even knowing.

A big, obvious fear of mine is a fear of crocodiles. Ever since having seen Australian saltwater crocodiles jumping their whole body length out of the water to grab some meat and having read some of those terrifying stories of them attacking and/or killing tourists, I have a more than healthy respect for these creatures. Living in Europe, however, this wasn’t exactly a fear I needed to deal with until last month when I spent three weeks in the Guatemalan rainforest. 

I was volunteering at a biological station situated at the banks of a river with a more than healthy crocodile population. The river was beautiful and so still that the trees on its shoreline were reflected back in it like in a perfect mirror. Therefore, my husband Tony, who loves rivers, was keen to explore it by kayak.

For days I managed to stall him by coming up with excuses until I finally admitted that I was scared. Everyone assured me that the crocodiles were no danger to me in a kayak and that they disappeared into the water as soon as a boat or kayak approached them. On the other hand, I heard stories of them attacking local fishermen who were fishing with harpoons at night. Eventually, I did little trial runs in the kayak around the pier to establish that the kayak was stable and safe. It seemed okay, so one day I finally agreed to go.

I felt the fear in my stomach as I climbed into the kayak but I was determined not to let it hold me back. A crocodile passed by as I took off but soon disappeared back down into the water. I was okay and slowly paddled along the left river bank, a wetland of reeds. After 10 minutes or so and spotting two more crocodiles, I suddenly realised that I was trapped in this little kayak with nowhere to go as the wetlands to my left were inaccessible and the pier a long way back. My heart started racing, my legs shaking. I felt sick and as if about to faint. ‘Oh my god,’ I thought, ‘this must be a panic attack’.

If there ever was a bad place to experience my first panic attack, it was certainly on a little kayak in the middle of a crocodile infested river. I put my hand on my chest and tried to calm myself down by focusing on my breathing while calling over to my husband, telling him that I believed to have a panic attack. He came with his kayak beside me and I calmed down after a while and even decided to carry on. There were no more panic attacks afterwards but I never really got comfortable, didn’t enjoy it and swore to never do it again.

So my first lesson in fear alchemy was this: You can force yourself to do something despite your fear but it doesn’t necessarily cure you of that fear. ‘Overcoming’ is then much more a case of ‘suppressing’ and, as in my case, could make it a lot worse.

Maybe some fears need to be overcome by accepting them and by being okay with being scared. Maybe sometimes that’s the main lesson to be learned.