Saboteurs

Here I am again: sitting in front of my laptop with the intention to do some writing but coming up with all sorts of excuses and distractions that prevent me from writing. It’s always the same. When it gets 'serious', when I’m thinking of writing something that I will show to ‘important’ people, like for example an article that I need to pitch to an editor, I freeze. Nothing comes. It’s as if I'd never written anything and totally forgotten how to write.

Fear of criticism, rejection and failure are life’s great saboteurs. They sneak up on you from behind and make you feel scared of your own shadow. They cling on to your legs whenever you’re trying to take a step in a new direction. They whisper lies in your ears and make them sound like the truth. They camouflage themselves perfectly in seemingly rational considerations and it can be hard to dismantle them and see them for what they are: Fantasized Experiences Appearing Real. If only I'd use my imagination to fantasize experiences of success and happiness instead of worst-case-scenarios!

The reason why fear of criticism, rejection and failure are so difficult to deal with is that they are built on self-doubt. They can only get to me, if underneath I really believe that I am not good enough, not talented enough, not loveable enough etc.

The other problem is that my judgment about whether or not I am good enough, talented enough, loveable enough etc. rests mainly on other people. Like a flag in the wind, I tend to be blown all over the place by people’s approval or rejection. 

However, if I take a song I really like as an example, it's easy to see that although I may think it's a great song, there will definitely be people out there who don’t like it or even hate it. What does that say about the song? Not much, really, but I guess it implies that people as a whole as well as individually are not really able to make an objective judgment about anything. It will always be biased and it will differ from person to person.

So to rest my self-esteem on something as fickle as people’s diverse and ever-changing opinions and judgments seems crazy. At the end of the day, there’s only one opinion I should really be worried about and that's my own. If I don’t think I'm good enough, talented enough, loveable enough etc. it’s unlikely that I’ll convince someone else that I am. If I do, on the other hand, it doesn’t really matter what other people think anyway.

Aristotles says: “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”

Not really an option, is it?

Fears of a control freak

I’m 5 years old and I’m sitting in a little car on a ride at our town’s annual fair. I’m in the car on my own while my parents stand and wait somewhere at the side. The track leads in bends through a garden type set-up. Tense, I have my hands gripped around the little metal steering wheel while I anxiously anticipate the next bend. I’m terrified that I might lose control of the car and fall off the little platform on which the car is driving. On one of the straight bits, I steal a moment to look at the other children driving ahead or behind me. They seem careless, laugh and don’t pay any attention at all. Some don’t even hold onto the steering wheel! The possibility dawns on me that the car might not drive off the platform if I let go but is instead controlled by some machine. So just before coming to the end of the track, I take the leap of faith, let go and experience that the car drives around the last bend all by itself. I feel silly and wish I had enjoyed the ride more.

A different child might have learned from this experience that her anxiety was unfounded and that the world is a place in which she is safe and protected. Unfortunately I didn’t come to that conclusion and my close associate, the control freak, was born.

Today, I read this quote by Jeff Foster: “The most unexpectedly beautiful gifts can come from a deep and total embrace of helplessness.”

“Deep and total embrace of helplessness?” No thanks! I feel an almost physical response. The mere word ‘helplessness’ sounds like an insult to my ears who perceive this as a personal weakness and the suggestion to embrace this feeling instead of going into a panicked attempt to fix things and to gain control, makes me shiver.

I know rationally that there are things which are out of my control and situations in which I am helpless, but thinking about this and really trying to accept it scares me. At the same time it feels silly to be scared of a truth that simply is whether I’m scared of it or not. It’s like playing Hide and Seek as a child and thinking that by closing your eyes, other people won’t be able to see you anymore either.

So despite not liking the sound of this, I cannot help but think that there’s some truth to what Jeff Foster says. Maybe this is the alchemical formula which is able to transform the fears of a control freak into something precious?

I’m going to leave you with this photo I found on Facebook today and deemed appropriate for the subject. Keep smiling J

Lesson 1

Fear comes in many different forms and sizes. There are the big, obvious ones that make your heart race and your body shake and there are the more hidden, sneaky ones that linger in your very bones and trip you up without you even knowing.

A big, obvious fear of mine is a fear of crocodiles. Ever since having seen Australian saltwater crocodiles jumping their whole body length out of the water to grab some meat and having read some of those terrifying stories of them attacking and/or killing tourists, I have a more than healthy respect for these creatures. Living in Europe, however, this wasn’t exactly a fear I needed to deal with until last month when I spent three weeks in the Guatemalan rainforest. 

I was volunteering at a biological station situated at the banks of a river with a more than healthy crocodile population. The river was beautiful and so still that the trees on its shoreline were reflected back in it like in a perfect mirror. Therefore, my husband Tony, who loves rivers, was keen to explore it by kayak.

For days I managed to stall him by coming up with excuses until I finally admitted that I was scared. Everyone assured me that the crocodiles were no danger to me in a kayak and that they disappeared into the water as soon as a boat or kayak approached them. On the other hand, I heard stories of them attacking local fishermen who were fishing with harpoons at night. Eventually, I did little trial runs in the kayak around the pier to establish that the kayak was stable and safe. It seemed okay, so one day I finally agreed to go.

I felt the fear in my stomach as I climbed into the kayak but I was determined not to let it hold me back. A crocodile passed by as I took off but soon disappeared back down into the water. I was okay and slowly paddled along the left river bank, a wetland of reeds. After 10 minutes or so and spotting two more crocodiles, I suddenly realised that I was trapped in this little kayak with nowhere to go as the wetlands to my left were inaccessible and the pier a long way back. My heart started racing, my legs shaking. I felt sick and as if about to faint. ‘Oh my god,’ I thought, ‘this must be a panic attack’.

If there ever was a bad place to experience my first panic attack, it was certainly on a little kayak in the middle of a crocodile infested river. I put my hand on my chest and tried to calm myself down by focusing on my breathing while calling over to my husband, telling him that I believed to have a panic attack. He came with his kayak beside me and I calmed down after a while and even decided to carry on. There were no more panic attacks afterwards but I never really got comfortable, didn’t enjoy it and swore to never do it again.

So my first lesson in fear alchemy was this: You can force yourself to do something despite your fear but it doesn’t necessarily cure you of that fear. ‘Overcoming’ is then much more a case of ‘suppressing’ and, as in my case, could make it a lot worse.

Maybe some fears need to be overcome by accepting them and by being okay with being scared. Maybe sometimes that’s the main lesson to be learned.