Pachamama

I came to the Amazon to reconnect with nature or to get at least a tiny taste of that sense of oneness with ‘Mother Nature’ (or ‘Pachamama’ as they call her here) that I sense our guide and the people who live in the local villages have. Initially however, I experienced the opposite of what I was craving: a strong awareness of my own vulnerability in this strange and seemingly hostile environment and lots of fear.

Slowly however, I started to get used to my new environment, to being out in a little wooden canoe just above the water’s surface with our guide and to the murky water surrounding me everywhere.

The big shift happened the day I decided to overcome my fear of the dark water in order to make my dream of swimming with wild dolphins come true. After preparing myself mentally for days, I was ready when the time came. I took the leap of faith and jumped in. The water was lovely and warm. Nothing brushed my legs. Floating along comfortably on a small floatation cushion, I relaxed. The rain that has drenched us on the way there stopped, the sun came out and after a first rainbow that appeared right on the water’s surface, a second one appeared in the sky above me. When the dolphins started breaching only metres away from me, I looked up at the sky and all around me in awe and gratitude. I will never forget this moment.

When I went to bed that night, I cried tears of joy and I feel different ever since. It’s like I uncovered some hidden strength, as if my heart opened that bit wider to let the world around me in. It feels like I have finally really arrived here and am more able to enjoy the experience. I’m not saying that I am totally free from fear or apprehension because that’s not the case but I think I’m opening up and trusting more every day and I have more and more of these tiny glimpses I wished for, these moments when I am fully present without fear and breathing in tune with the vibrant, green energy of life that surrounds me.

Pachamama is out there waiting for me with open arms and I’m slowly edging my way towards her for the great big bear hug I have been hoping for.

Swimming vs. sinking in fear

Ever since I was a child I was fascinated by the jungle and in particularly the Amazon. I have devoured every film, documentary and book about it and visiting it one day has been on the top of my bucket list for many years. A few years ago I dreamed that I was finally in the Amazon but that the place we stayed at was surrounded by water rather than forest and that I was petrified. When we arrived at Tahuayo Lodge a few days ago, I recognised it as the place from that dream.

Tahuayo Lodge is located on one of the tributaries of the Amazon, the Tahuayo River, about a 4 hour boat ride away from Iquitos. Built on 12m high stilts it is currently surrounded by water due to it being flood season and the water reaches deep into what is normally jungle, creating an expansive water world.

The good news is that I’m not feeling AS petrified as I was in my dream but nevertheless, since arriving here I had to face and overcome many fears and I continue to do so every day.

My main issue is that I really don’t like murky waters at the best of time. I prefer to see what’s in the water and having something brush my legs while swimming in dark water is my kind of horror scenario. Add to that the fact that we’re talking about the Amazon and all the scary bits of (mis-)information I have been fed about the animals living in these waters and you get the picture.

Luckily we have an amazing guide who grew up in the local village and he just laughs his head off every time I’m asking questions about the ‘dangerous’ animals here. Piranhas, for example, have NEVER attacked or eaten anyone here. Quite the opposite, people tend to eat them and only when trying to get them off the hook there’s a chance that someone may get bitten. There have also NEVER been any accidents or attacks involving caimans or anacondas. And remember that fish that supposedly swims up your whatsit if you pee in the water? Our guide referred to it as a tourist legend and says that at least in these parts of the Amazon, children play and pee in the water all the time and NEVER has anyone had a fish swim up their urethra.

Tony accepted these new pieces of information quickly and took the plunge straight away when he had a little swim just off our lodge yesterday. I am still working on digesting, integrating and trusting all of this new information.

But I will do it. I will swim in the murky waters of the Amazon!

The main reason why I am determined to overcome this fear is that another item on my bucket list is swimming with dolphins and I always said that I want it to be with wild dolphins rather than dolphins living in captivity.

I didn’t think it would happen in the Amazon but apparently we will take a boat trip to Blackwater Lake (encouraging name!) where we will have the opportunity to swim with pink dolphins.

I cannot and I will not miss out on that experience! 

For how long I will actually stay in the water is a different story of course… ;-)

I shall keep you posted. 

Courageous love is sharp around the edges

My husband paid me a strange compliment yesterday. He said: “I really enjoy your company – when you’re not being an asshole.”

I was perplexed, asking what kind of compliment that was meant to be and he reassured me that this was his way of expressing how much he loves me. I wondered what on earth I wasn’t getting but it has somehow started to grow on me since.

Firstly, I like the honesty of the statement and I could actually say the same to him. I really enjoy his company – when he is not being an asshole.

Aren’t we all acting like assholes every now and then? No one is perfect!

Secondly, he didn’t say “I love you - when you’re not being an asshole”, which to me is a crucial point because if he had said that, it would mean that he only loves me when I’m ‘a good girl’, and only really embraces one side of me without all my shadow bits. But he didn’t say that, he said that he doesn’t enjoy my company when I’m being an asshole and that’s fair enough as I feel the same in return.

In our close relationships (and that includes our friendships), I think it’s important to have the courage to be honest even when we fear that the other person may not like what we’re about to tell them. It’s not always fun and sometimes you find out things you’d rather not know but it creates a connectedness and intimacy that is hard to experience if we only relate to each other from our sunny side, the ‘good girl/good boy’ side. It’s also exhausting to try and keep that up for any length of time.

I enjoy having relationships where I am told when I am acting like an asshole and where I am free to do the same. I also enjoy having relationships where I still feel loved, even when I am acting like an asshole and I try to love in the same way.

Nothing is more loving than giving each other a reality check when it’s needed.

So in the spirit of this, my friends, let me tell you: I love you loads even when you are acting like assholes, so don’t get offended next time I tell you you’re being one ;-)